Finding The Way Read online

  “Your Highness, it is my manner to try and endear myself to all.”

  The Prince laughed. “Perhaps you should not try so hard. Do you think my dear brother would enjoy this book?”

  Oddly enough, I had seen Prince Meng reading General Sun’s text on numerous occasions. Without waiting for my response to his question, Prince Chao placed the tablets down as he noticed Prince Meng’s caged goldfinches. He broke off a twig from a plum tree and poked at them through the bars.

  “Your Highness, those goldfinches are Prince Meng’s personal favorites,” I said.

  A wicked smile crossed his face. He proceeded to snap off a larger twig and was about to thrust it in the cage when he stopped himself. Disappointment replaced his smile and he sighed.

  “My dear brother would like nothing more than to foul my name in front of the King, however petty the cause.”

  It seemed conflict avoidance was in Prince Chao’s character after all. “I suppose I should thank you, scholar,” he said, and laughed.

  “Your Highness?”

  “My dream-headed brother is rarely in court these days, and when he is, his counsel is gutless and weak, hardly what one might hope for in a Son of Heaven. I believe you have had some influence over him.”

  “Your Highness, I am but a servant of the court. Perhaps Prince Meng believes a leader does best when the people barely know he exists. Perhaps when his work is done, he feels his goals will have been achieved and the people will say, ‘We did it ourselves.’”

  “Well then, my dear brother has accomplished much. Not that it matters. The people barely know him. His mark is that he often misguides the King with silly notions of natural order and benevolent rule. He even has the King believing that his legacy will only be assured if work here within your tomb of books is supported. At least it has secured you a position, for now. As for what the people say, I’m sure they sleep better at night knowing that the Archives are well-managed.”

  He picked up several pebbles and threw them into the pond, disturbing the fish.

  “I understand a scholar in Chu has requested an audience with you, a man named Confucius. He seeks the Master Archivist, the philosopher to the Heavenly Royals, the Most Esteemed Scholar, and the great and venerable Lao Tzu. Is Yi Ban aware of this?”

  My long pause no doubt gave away my surprise.

  “My dear scholar, could it be that a mere simpleton prince knows more of the world of the literati than the Master Archivist himself?”

  I had become accustomed to the Prince’s cutting barbs, but never in my own garden.

  “Your Highness, there is nothing I keep from Minister Yi Ban or from the court. I was not made aware of this request. Nevertheless, Confucius shall be granted the utmost respect if he visits.”

  “Indeed he will. As for your Yi Ban, he likely knew nothing as that is his usual state. He is an incompetent and a dreamer like my brother. If not for his Royal blood, he would have been removed from court years ago. But you… even an archivist has his ambitions, am I not correct?”

  “Your Highness, were I to desire to change the world, I could not succeed. The world is shaped by the Way; the self cannot shape it. Trying to change it, you damage it; trying to possess it, you lose it. Some such as our Son of Heaven will lead and others will follow. Some will be warm, others cold. Some will be strong, others weak. Some will get where they are going while others will fall by the wayside. I assure you my only ambition…”

  He waved me off. “Spare me scholar. I know how you speak of rulers and nobles as oppressors of the people. If true justice were to prevail, this would be my court; and such talk which incites ill-regard for the masters, would be akin to treason.” He stared into me.

  “Your Highness, my work at the Academy in the past has been called noble and truthful. If the court is not pleased with my work here, I would willingly leave. But it is not in the nature of the Way to incite disregard for anyone. To be alone and in want is what men most fear. Yet I have seen other princes and dukes avail themselves of extravagance while surrounded by such men. Truly, such things are increased by seeking to diminish them and diminished by seeking to increase them. These are maxims that I have used in my teachings. Show me a man of violence that came to a good end, and I will take him for my teacher.”

  “Have I just been cleverly insulted?”

  “Your Highness, I would never…“

  “You think I am a man of violence, that kind of a teacher, don’t you?” The Prince asked as he studied my face, grinning. “You are either extremely clever, and thereby dangerous, or a hopeless romantic. Which is it, scholar?”

  “Your Highness, if desiring peace is extremely clever, then I am dangerous. If unity is a hopelessly romantic idea, then let me be known as a hopeless romantic. You thirst for a different path, one I am sure you believe to be the most advantageous for Zhou. However, I believe my goals are not so removed from yours. Surely we could drink together.”

  The Prince hesitated before he replied. His usual sharp tongue and impulsive temper were restrained.

  “You truly are a romantic,” he said. “As if a Prince would care to drink with a commoner!” He laughed. “I find all you dreamers hopelessly self-righteous, and even more dangerous than these men of violence that you warn of. You are perilous in that you fail to understand that trust is a rare commodity here and should not be dispensed so easily. Once it is bestowed, your final defenses have been breached. Perhaps my brother has charmed you. But do not be deceived, scholar. He plays the role before you of the reluctant heir. I see through his ruse. He actually seeks to command the stage, but his grip on the succession is not clad in bronze.”

  I sensed the Prince sought a strong reaction from me. I purposely betrayed none, though I was curious.

  “My dear scholar, you can no longer be considered a novice at court. Surely you have wondered about the Mother of our Empire? Thought her to be somewhat peculiar, perhaps?”

  “Your Highness, it is not for me to judge the Queen or to open my ears to idle gossip. I am…”

  “You are romantic and naïve.” The Prince shook his head in amazement. “Can it truly be that improving your position is not a goal of yours? Or is your intellect so vastly above the pettiness of us simple Royals that you do not need to bother? Perhaps I can enlighten you.”

  I bowed slightly.

  “Believe it or not, there was a time when I was able to convince my dear brother to engage in fun and games. One such pastime we called ‘royal invaders’. As children, Meng and I would imagine ourselves hiding deep in barbarian territory, or in actual fact from some of our more slow-footed, dim-witted Palace servants. With all of its rooms and corners, the Palace offered a range of splendid hiding places. The servants were commanded to find and then ‘capture’ us within a set time. I never knew whether they deliberately let us win most of the time or whether they were just dim-witted, but that is beside the point.

  “We were eight years of age and it was exactly this time of year, during the mid-autumn festival. It had rained hard for many days and most of the festivities were cancelled. Many guests had traveled far for the celebrations, including my father’s family from western Jin. They were staying in one of the Royal guest chambers. With time on our hands and hordes of servants to commandeer as barbarians, Meng and I scurried from hiding place to hiding place. This time, it seemed as if the servants were particularly committed to capturing us. We could hear them shouting out to each other: ‘The Hall of Longevity is free of those vermin Royal intruders!’, ‘The Royal Garden is empty, but I can smell them nearby!’, ‘They are running out of rooms, we have only the south balcony and school left to search!’

  “We were indeed slowly being cornered. Meng’s face soured and he wanted to surrender, but I refused and took his hand. Our only escape was to cheat and to hide in one of the areas forbidden to most of the servants—the guest chambers. We
slid along the corridors, through a circular doorway, and found ourselves in a small antechamber used as additional living space for guests. I could smell oil and varnish on the rosewood furniture and lattice. We stifled our glee as the servants continued past us in the hallway. Then through the thin walls, we heard giggling and a familiar voice from the adjacent room. These days, Prince Meng doesn’t show much resolve but back then he took the initiative. He crawled up to the door and gently pushed it open.

  “‘What do you see?’ I whispered? His body stiffened. I pulled up beside him and looked in, saw our father and his youngest sister, Aunt Feiyan, both naked. She was on her knees licking his stalk. He said, ‘Uhhmm, our Queen could no more excite me than a tiger could fly.’ Meng jumped away and in so doing, he alerted my father whose head shot up. His eyes burned into mine for an instant. Aunt Feiyan shrieked and reached for something to cover herself. Father pushed her off then sprang out of bed. Before I could make it out of the antechamber, he grabbed me and threw me down. He raised his hand and was about to slap my face when suddenly he smiled. He placed me on his bare thigh. I had never before seen his naked body. He had nipples with wavy hair. His long narrow torso and round belly glistened with sweat, and I nearly gagged at the intense odors he gave off. I tried my hardest to avert my eyes from his stalk, but I saw that it had shrunken into a wrinkled, wet mass.

  “He told me that my mother was ill, that if she was to find out what I had seen, she would get even sicker and perhaps die. He said I needed to learn to be strong, to make difficult decisions if I was ever to be considered for the throne. Good kings always keep important secrets, he emphasized. He asked me if I wanted to protect my mother. I nodded. He made me promise never to speak of this to anyone. I nodded again. He said that if the rain stopped we would go hunting the following day, just he and I.

  “I marched out of there as though I had just been given a royal directive. Meng had not waited around. I joined the other servants and searched and searched for him, but he was nowhere to be found.”

  The Prince held me in his gaze, and for a moment I stood speechless. “Your Highness, I am at a loss for words. Why, why…”

  “Why would I utter such filth and vilify my own family, and to you?”

  I bowed humbly. “Yes, your Highness.”

  “Because you may be the only one within these Palace walls who does not already know. You see, I kept my promise to my father, however awful it felt. Yet the Queen still learned of it. She could only have done so through the courage and valor of my dear elder brother. I can picture him crying like a boy in need of his wet nurse, running to her. It’s not difficult to imagine him saying, “‘Mother, mother, father and Auntie Feiyan were in the same bed! Prince Chao made me go! I didn’t want to!’”

  Prince Chao’s face conveyed absolute revulsion, but then he calmed his features and continued.

  “It stopped raining the next day, though Father and I never did go hunting. Instead he charged into my bedchamber, clutched me with one hand and slapped me with the other. He accused me of having betrayed him. I said I hadn’t, which made him angrier. He said I had been his favorite, but now I would never be King, that I’d failed him, the family and the dynasty. His slapping got harder and harder. I could have said I was not alone yesterday. I could have said that Prince Meng had been there too and had run off. Instead, I silently withstood Father’s fury until I passed out.

  “I believe my mother confronted Father. He may have denied it, or he may have beat her too. You see, she can’t tell me. She took poison afterwards. Or maybe it was given to her. But it was not enough to kill her. As you have undoubtedly noticed, she is little more than a well-dressed vegetable. She laughs endlessly when a serious manner is appropriate. She cries when joviality is called for and talks like a child during formal announcements. Father will only allow her to be seen if she has been docile long enough for him to believe any embarrassment she causes will be minor.”

  The Prince picked up several more pebbles. His face no longer betrayed any malice or anger. He had adopted a tone bereft of any anguish, as if he were recalling some mundane event. Then his voice resumed with a taut edginess.

  “So on that mid-autumn moon festival when I was eight years old, I had my nose broken, I saw my mother go mad, I was abandoned by my gutless brother, and I learned to see my father for what he is: a man. Simply that. Not the Son of Heaven, not the divine ruler of the world, just a man. He later found far more effective means of punishing me. He ensures that no peace is possible between my brother and myself. I believe he enjoys this intense war he has fostered between us, a war whose poison-tipped arrows are made of a loud, piercing silence. There is no Royal Proclamation about it, but it is omnipresent, in the air we breathe, in the water we drink, and it is woven into our fine silk robes. He dangles the crown before me, knowing I would be a more suitable protector of the dynasty’s destiny. Like you, he chooses to ignore Prince Meng as he really is—a mouse to all appearances, but not a frightened little mouse. He is a smart, opportunistic one. When he believes his moment is at hand, he will pilfer that which he does not deserve.”

  “Your Highness, if matters are as you say, then you and Prince Meng were innocents, you were children. You were in a situation not of your own choosing. Neither of you can be faulted. Your continued quarrels will only lead to chaos, regardless of who reigns. I’m sure Prince Meng would agree.”

  “Ah but my dear scholar, good fortune follows upon chaos. Who can say how things will end? Perhaps there is no end, for honesty is ever deceived and kindness is ever seduced. Men have always been like this.”

  He surprised me again with an additional quote from my very own teachings, albeit without the full context. The Prince resumed tossing pebbles into the pond.

  “There are many scholars doing the rounds among the nobles and the breakaway territories,” he said. “Some, like Confucius, are as popular as the fiercest warriors. My father thinks they are vultures and has little use for them. Yet I believe there may be some ideas that should not be so quickly dismissed. I understand Confucius is a friend of good order and government. I would not be averse to engaging with such a mind. You will see to that for me. Perhaps there will be a place for you after all.”

  “Your Highness, consider it done. If you will allow me to say, your leadership skills among men are already highly regarded. You even quote from my own writings and know of traveling literati such as Confucius as though…”

  “As though I’m not a cabbage-headed, hot-tempered Prince?” He laughed. “Never underestimate a hungry wolf, dear scholar. The world is changing. If there is to be a place for one such as yourself, it will be at my behest. Those who work with their heads will rule, while those who work with their hands will serve. You will work with your head, but you shall also serve. I know what power you wield. It is not just the wisdom of noblemen and kings that shapes the world. I have heard what you scholars say. I have witnessed its influence in other kingdoms. Whole governments, farms, villages, cities, armies… they all see with one vision and live with a singular purpose.”

  “You speak of peace.”

  He stopped his pebble throwing and stared at me as though I were a child.

  “I speak of power. Power, you foolish scholar. You either have it, or you are among the various classes of fools.”

  Did he view himself as a ruler, or still among the classes of fools? Was he saying that his Royal house lacked singular purpose unlike the growing powers within the now-fragmented empire? As he turned away, I felt a twinge of self-doubt reminiscent of my judgment of Li Su and the fire at the Academy. I had since left the Academy to release the Way to a larger pool, but I now questioned whether that pool was not only muddied with want and power, but also poisoned with a moral blackness.

  Prince Chao’s tale left me bewildered. Why had he confided in me? Was this a play to create suspicion between myself and his brother? Or were his emotions genui
ne? Did he wish to reveal dimensions of himself and others that I might otherwise never consider? I could not help but feel for a moment that my own course might have been compromised, that its flow could no longer simply meander and evade the imbalances around me. Even more, I began to question the natural bearings I had relied upon the Way to provide. Within that natural order, lucidity and simplicity reigned, the world is unambiguous. But human beings blur and obscure that which should be apparent. Humans are not simply either good or evil, just as the sky is not just dark or bright. Much lies unseen between.

  11

  Nature’s Sorrow

  As Lao Tzu slept through the starless night, Captain Yin stood alone beside the scribe, reflecting on the old man’s reminiscences. Initially he had hungered only for knowledge of his grandfather and of the Way, but Lao Tzu’s stories of the Royal Court were proving to be so intriguing that he craved more.

  As the light of dawn was about to break the dark sky’s grip, a disgusted-looking Lieutenant Zhang marched up to him with several guards in tow.

  “So it is true—the old man remains,” Zhang hissed. “What if he is a spy? He could slit your throat as you sleep. Have you thought of that?”

  Captain Yin took another look at Lao Tzu who between heavy snores was sleep-talking about cleaning out bird cages. “If he is a spy plotting to slit my throat, then he is a well-rested one,” he said.

  “The General won’t stand for soldiers playing nursemaid to homeless beggars,” Zhang retorted.

  “A moment ago he was a spy, now he is a homeless beggar. Next he will be a goddess in disguise.”